Chasing True North - Part I: My Drug of Choice

    

     I remember a time when life didn't move fast enough.  There were adventures to be had, conquests to be celebrated, and dreams to live out.  There was so much that I wanted to do and accomplish in life.  My relentless striving was the minute-hand of my agenda--ever-changing with the tides of interest.  With such thirst for "life", I struggled to simply sit still.  I knew that my thirst for progress would never be quenched; yet that didn't stop my endeavors.  The need for advancement keeps me growing, and I like that about myself.  However, I'm not so sure that relentless progress is necessarily thriving;  more often than not, I was merely surviving. 

       I used to justify my life by saying that life, itself was my drug.  This was my claim--that to enjoy life, you had to be busy.  If you were sitting around, you weren't enjoying life.  (Obviously not true.)  But because I denied myself time to simply "be", I missed out on years of internal peace that could have permeated my priorities, my schedule,  my attitude, and my bank account.  My journal became my appointment book, my bedroom became my office, and my self-care routine was just as bare as my cupboards.  (I didn't take care of myself, so I bet you can imagine how I attempted to take care of others--my acts of compassion were just as wayward and haphazard.)  

       Every other need on my list seemed urgent.  My default setting became either "anxiously motivated" or "relentlessly relentless".  I could justify any choice I made--with my bank statements,  caloric intake, or otherwise--because after all, I was working hard and deserved some reimbursement.  I was out-of-whack and off-kilter.  What was I truly chasing after?  Did I have a specific path or was I traveling in all directions?  I remember those days, and it wasn't too long ago.  In fact, I'm often breaking a sweat just trying to avoid similarly toxic seasons.

       Chasing after True North keeps me internally centered on what I believe matters the most.  If I'm internally centered, then I have peace because my attitude and outward choices do not stray from my central focus; everything else is excess and a waste of my limited resources, and I'm able to better balance myself.  When my attitude--a pattern of thoughts--is not centered, I am overwhelmed and anxious in my choice-making.  I become a slave to dissatisfaction, an outlaw of time, and impulsive to mindless outbursts of gorging on any and all passions.  I was out of control on the inside and out.  Where was my self-control?  

       You could say that I become the poster child of high-functioning depression--holding high standards and offering little to no mercy and grace to myself when I didn't measure up.  No wonder I was often wrought with despair when I faced a fork in the road.  I, myself created the fork in the road (or more like a labyrinth of chaos!).  I became a masterful engineer by inadvertently limiting my choices to A) nonexistent self-compassion, conditional worth, and excessive guilt and shame or B) unbeknownst, deeply-rooted low self-esteem as I failed at any attempts to balance "life".  There had to be a different choice.  It didn't want to choose chaos, yet I felt I had no other options.  I felt trapped. 

       As a borderline workaholic and perfectionist, I struggle in attempts to deplete my anxieties--yet any lack in productivity kept me from peace.  Through  reflection of my choice patterns, apparently 9 times out of 10, I'd rather lack energy and free time than lag in my agenda and sense of success.  My perceived self-worth still demands me to constantly produce results.  

       It's as if I see myself as a profit-hungry corporation supplied with minions and personal assistants instead of a single, struggling human being with physical limits.  "Corporations" do better if they work efficiently not necessarily excessively.  If I was in any way a "corporation", then my mission statement must have been: "I'm always working in some capacity"--not able to rest in order to live to my fullest capacity.  

       If a person is always traveling full steam ahead towards the next objectives, they'll miss the smaller celebrations and satisfactions in life.  They will also lack in peace, or shalom.  Shalom (peace) does not meant that there is "a lack of conflict"; rather, Shalom means "wholeness" despite the trials of life.  

        So, although I often feel satisfied with life, I find myself least satisfied and unsettled when I'm not chasing True North.  When I set my course on True North, I simplify my world and I'm able to notice more and appreciate more.  I have more shalom.  Possessing an "attitude of gratitude" is essential if any of us are going to ever feel satisfaction in this life.  Simply put: If you're not satisfied with your life, chances are you're not centered in on the beauty of the world and thus, keeping yourself from truly contributing to it.